A relaxing day at the spa?

spa1I have the most excellent friend called Sam.  Honestly, everyone needs a friend like Sam.  He is the kind of guy that when you mention your extremely high stress levels and your severe lack of sleep…. he actually takes you seriously!  Fortunately and serendipitously, Sam owns an exclusive 5star day spa…..therefore after we spoke last week, after Sam rightly sensed my imminent nervous breakdown, and booked me a full body shiatsu massage and a relaxing, custom facial – a perfect day at the spa.

I arrived in the morning, feeling tense but excited.  I am met at reception by a beautiful girl with very large breasts (Sam is a breast man), who politely shows me to my private changing room.  As I undress and put on my big, fluffy gown, I am metaphorically hanging up this very mornings ‘school-run’….  It consisted of me yelling at my daughter to get dressed approximately 1002 times.  Because each time I made my request, she would suddenly space out, loose her ability to hear me and begin playing with the dog.  This of course led to more screaming, arguments, and finally missing the bus, making us both late.  I hang it all up and leave the memory in the dressing room.

I stroll into the serene massage room, a grand room with high ceilings scented with relaxing scented oils and calming music.  A large breasted masseuse enters and begins to work on my unusually high shoulders….and I begin to forget about the stress of work…. the pressure of 12 different companies around the globe who are each working on a different part of our skincare product.  Ironically it seems that every one of them had technical issue, oddly at the very same time.

As the masseuse kneads my muscles and works on the unforgiving knots in my body, I stop thinking about the fact that each supplier’s delay effects my deadline and that the timely delivery of the final product represents millions for the business.   One hour later, my muscles are feeling supple and my shoulders are now below my ears.  As I leave the massage room, I realise that I am much less stressed and I decide to leave my work issues with the double D masseuse.  Ah, I feel so much better.

spa 2

I am led into the relaxation room, filled with comfy beds and duvets, to catch up on the sleep that I have missed over the past 8 years.  I am woken one hour later by another large breast beautiful woman holding a glass of jus.  Her soothing voice tells me that it is time for my facial.

Mmmm the facial…..I love it.  I enter yet another stunning room filled with fresh flowers and large bay windows.  The professional (and beautiful) facialist gets to work on my skin, attempting to smooth away the multitude of wrinkles recently obtained by a dispute that I had with a very close friend.  As the facialists exfoliates, I attempt to shed my frustration with my friend intentionally not invited to social events or holidays simply because I am not married.  The lovely facialists skilfully hydrates  and nourishes the skin as I attempt to release the thought of being judged by my marital status and robbed from time spent with my friends.   After much squeezing, massaging, boosting and reviving…I have completely let go of these ridiculous judgements.  I am feeling plumped, clean and refreshed.

I go back into the relaxation room, have a plate of chocolate covered strawberries and read a magazine.  After a sufficient rest, I change back into my clothes, feeling fantastic, healthy, and completely revived.  As I say my thank you’s I make a mental note to remain this chilled out for the rest of my life.  I mean, I only have another 40 or so years left…why not fully enjoy all life has to offer.  I leave the spa and new woman……………

choice 1 when your kids hates your boyfriend

1 minute later, I turn on my phone and it immediately begins to ring…..

“Hello?….Oh hi baby, how….” I gasp “You are where?”  I swallow  “You puked on WHO??”

POOF, within a split second, my shoulders creep back up to their usual place next to my ears, my skin turns grey and blotchy and the anxiety returns with a vengeance……

Thanks anyway Sam….It is the thought that counts….Next time lets try alcohol 🙂


Thanks for reading,